1,1,3 7 hours
13,43,14,9,45,2,5 11minutes
3,2 5 seconds
Yesterday I had the house all to myself and Venice was traveling from Salt Lake City back to Cedar. We were going to have a Skype play-date, but instead we ended up talking on the phone for about 7 hours, 11 minutes, and 5 seconds. It felt like a moment. It was, of course, the new, most-fun-thing that I've done this summer. We're really just better friends all the time and we enjoy each other's company more and more.
For a while, on her way to Cedar City, she stopped in Provo and went around to a number of places of significance for the two of us. In each place she'd tell me what she saw as she drove by, or stop and we'd joke and get a little bit nostalgic. It was a very meaningful experience. After she got back home and our conversation was coming to an end, she said she needed to ask me a question.
That particular phone call lasted 3 hours and 45 minutes.
She asked me what it was going to be like when we got back to school. We talked it over and decided on a few things. We couldn't have a physical relationship, not even a little bit, because then it would just get harder. And we'd have to lay off each other time-wise, too. Because if we were always doing things together other guys won't ask her on dates because they'll think we're together. That's what happened last year. She's really sad about it. So naturally, I am too. It's really hard to force myself not to spend time her, and it'll be especially tough to do it just so she can spend time with other guys. She told me that it'll be hard not to see me every day - and that made me feel a little better, as bad as that sounds. It really helps me to know that she values our time together that much. We both make each other feel more comfortable than anything else in the world. Like home.
That's not even mentioning how hard it's going to be not to show any affection for her and to see her trying to keep her affection from me. In fact, she can be really good at hiding it - and when she does that I usually feel pretty bad. She get's so excited about everything in her life - that when she's pointedly unexcited about me it cuts pretty deep. She's going to try not to do that though, and I really appreciate that.
We both acknowledged that it is communication that has kept our relationship so wonderful from the very beginning. We've never been afraid to tell the other anything and when the other brings up a concern, we're not offended. We just want to get better as soon as we can for the other person. It's nice for both of us to know that the other person isn't harboring any hurt-feelings or negative judgements. Also, we're one another's best friend, and it's hard to keep from telling the things that mean the very most to you to your best friend, even if it has to do with them.
We both figured that sooner or later we'll need to address the situation. See how each other are doing. If the time is right, find out where we're at or even how each other feels. And sooner or later one of us may go to the other for comfort. We know that it's ok if that happens, but we aren't going to plan on it. We'll just let things run their course. Especially before my mission, we'll be apart for 3 1/2 years and we'll need to know from the other how they feel so we not what to expect, what to wait for or not to wait for.
In the mean time, we'll just have to let each other know how hard things are in passing. Little comments here and there, but never dwell on it if we can help it. That way we we know each other care, but it doesn't mess with our ability to exercise self-control. I think that'll be very nice. In fact, now that it's a few weeks later (I didn't write this all at once), we're already getting pretty good at it - and it sure makes life wonderful. (You'll see it in our text messages.) I feel both reassured and independent. We are great friends. I will never be able to explain that enough. Writing about this has made me smile.
We both feel like we've done a good job this summer of keeping things how they're supposed to be. Often it is really hard and many times we have been down and fearful and sad and lonely. Yet though we have not seen each other at all, we become better friends each day. To what extent we can, we are still able to comfort, entertain, and care for each other. We are very close and very dear friends, leading separate lives, but still growing closer as friends. And we're able to be there for each other. It's perfect - except that she's WAY too far away! Our goal is to maintain our beautiful friendship and our independence while we are going to school together this next year. It'll be like summer - but WAY better, because we will get to do things with each other. 67 days!
We kept reminding each other that we'd be very special friends. I told her that I wanted to be like that guy in a romantic comedy - the best-friend, that loves the the main character more than anybody else and just makes sure she gets what she deserves when she gets involved with other guys. The one she can always come back to and count on to be there no matter what happens. I think that when we're very special friends it's ok if other people can see that. In fact if they can't, that'd be really sad. If they can't either we're lying to ourselves because we actually aren't truly special to each other, or we're lying to each other because we actually are. I want to be that friend that cares about her so much that I'm over taking care of her when she's sick and I'm there holding her when she cries and playing with her hair, and when she gets back from a good date she can call and tell me all about how much she loved it and why. And when it comes time to let her know that she's really dear to me, I could give her a kiss on the forehead and we'll both understand. But that'll be all for the time being, because after all we're going to be friends for right now. That's the new way. If we were both like that to each other, I'm confident I'd be a very happy kid for the next year at school. Given that I'll be doing the right thing, but still have the world's most precious best friend, perhaps more content than ever before.
Then it got hard again. She asked me what I was going to do if I found out if I didn't feel that way about her anymore. (I think she believes that's a possibility, and she's mature enough to address it. She has guts, that one. She's does what she needs to do, no matter the consequences. It's one of Venice's very greatest traits. I really esteem her for that. It's something that I haven't yet proven that I'm able to do, and it's something that I admire immensely.) I told her I'd let her know. But I'm going to be really careful about making any big decisions about those things in the next year before my mission. I realize that it's not my feelings now that matter. What matters is after my mission who we both are and how we both feel about each other - and after hers, if her current plans are met. She told me that if my feelings for her were gone she'd have to stay away from me for a while so she could heal. Then we could be friends again. I sure hope so, because there isn't anyone else comparable to Venice Ada Jardine. She's not replaceable. There isn't not a soul like her. If I lose her, I will lose something I can never get back. Even though that time of separation would be miserable, at least I'd still have her friendship.
I asked her what she would do if she lost her feelings for me. She said she'd pray about it a lot - but I already knew that about her. And she'd have to decide that she really had lost that, and that it wasn't just a fleeting thing. She'd think it over for a while and if that's what she decided, she'd tell me the next time we spoke about it.
It's been hard ever since. I can honestly say that the majority of my worries in this life have been about her. I have realized since that of my former worries have subsided. In fact, right now I'm not sure I worry any more than I did before, because I've stopped worrying about so many of the little unimportant things an menial selfish desires that used to occupy my mind much of the time. Perhaps my worries have just shifted. And in all honesty, I think they've shifted to something more important. I guess that's just how these things go -- yet, with all the sorrow of times like these, she keeps making me happy -- at the same time, I think at least half of the smiles in my life are on her account, and I've only known her for 9 months. She's never-endingly delightful! Even as we speak she's making me smile - even if it's just with well-timed text messages. I'm really glad she's doing that while I'm writing, because it's hard for me to write about things like this alone. (I've never liked being alone.)
Here I am, a week after I wrote most of this post, and I feel WAY better. It just gets better, I'm telling you. I am a happy kid.
That particular phone call lasted 3 hours and 45 minutes.
She asked me what it was going to be like when we got back to school. We talked it over and decided on a few things. We couldn't have a physical relationship, not even a little bit, because then it would just get harder. And we'd have to lay off each other time-wise, too. Because if we were always doing things together other guys won't ask her on dates because they'll think we're together. That's what happened last year. She's really sad about it. So naturally, I am too. It's really hard to force myself not to spend time her, and it'll be especially tough to do it just so she can spend time with other guys. She told me that it'll be hard not to see me every day - and that made me feel a little better, as bad as that sounds. It really helps me to know that she values our time together that much. We both make each other feel more comfortable than anything else in the world. Like home.
That's not even mentioning how hard it's going to be not to show any affection for her and to see her trying to keep her affection from me. In fact, she can be really good at hiding it - and when she does that I usually feel pretty bad. She get's so excited about everything in her life - that when she's pointedly unexcited about me it cuts pretty deep. She's going to try not to do that though, and I really appreciate that.
We both acknowledged that it is communication that has kept our relationship so wonderful from the very beginning. We've never been afraid to tell the other anything and when the other brings up a concern, we're not offended. We just want to get better as soon as we can for the other person. It's nice for both of us to know that the other person isn't harboring any hurt-feelings or negative judgements. Also, we're one another's best friend, and it's hard to keep from telling the things that mean the very most to you to your best friend, even if it has to do with them.
We both figured that sooner or later we'll need to address the situation. See how each other are doing. If the time is right, find out where we're at or even how each other feels. And sooner or later one of us may go to the other for comfort. We know that it's ok if that happens, but we aren't going to plan on it. We'll just let things run their course. Especially before my mission, we'll be apart for 3 1/2 years and we'll need to know from the other how they feel so we not what to expect, what to wait for or not to wait for.
In the mean time, we'll just have to let each other know how hard things are in passing. Little comments here and there, but never dwell on it if we can help it. That way we we know each other care, but it doesn't mess with our ability to exercise self-control. I think that'll be very nice. In fact, now that it's a few weeks later (I didn't write this all at once), we're already getting pretty good at it - and it sure makes life wonderful. (You'll see it in our text messages.) I feel both reassured and independent. We are great friends. I will never be able to explain that enough. Writing about this has made me smile.
We both feel like we've done a good job this summer of keeping things how they're supposed to be. Often it is really hard and many times we have been down and fearful and sad and lonely. Yet though we have not seen each other at all, we become better friends each day. To what extent we can, we are still able to comfort, entertain, and care for each other. We are very close and very dear friends, leading separate lives, but still growing closer as friends. And we're able to be there for each other. It's perfect - except that she's WAY too far away! Our goal is to maintain our beautiful friendship and our independence while we are going to school together this next year. It'll be like summer - but WAY better, because we will get to do things with each other. 67 days!
We kept reminding each other that we'd be very special friends. I told her that I wanted to be like that guy in a romantic comedy - the best-friend, that loves the the main character more than anybody else and just makes sure she gets what she deserves when she gets involved with other guys. The one she can always come back to and count on to be there no matter what happens. I think that when we're very special friends it's ok if other people can see that. In fact if they can't, that'd be really sad. If they can't either we're lying to ourselves because we actually aren't truly special to each other, or we're lying to each other because we actually are. I want to be that friend that cares about her so much that I'm over taking care of her when she's sick and I'm there holding her when she cries and playing with her hair, and when she gets back from a good date she can call and tell me all about how much she loved it and why. And when it comes time to let her know that she's really dear to me, I could give her a kiss on the forehead and we'll both understand. But that'll be all for the time being, because after all we're going to be friends for right now. That's the new way. If we were both like that to each other, I'm confident I'd be a very happy kid for the next year at school. Given that I'll be doing the right thing, but still have the world's most precious best friend, perhaps more content than ever before.
Then it got hard again. She asked me what I was going to do if I found out if I didn't feel that way about her anymore. (I think she believes that's a possibility, and she's mature enough to address it. She has guts, that one. She's does what she needs to do, no matter the consequences. It's one of Venice's very greatest traits. I really esteem her for that. It's something that I haven't yet proven that I'm able to do, and it's something that I admire immensely.) I told her I'd let her know. But I'm going to be really careful about making any big decisions about those things in the next year before my mission. I realize that it's not my feelings now that matter. What matters is after my mission who we both are and how we both feel about each other - and after hers, if her current plans are met. She told me that if my feelings for her were gone she'd have to stay away from me for a while so she could heal. Then we could be friends again. I sure hope so, because there isn't anyone else comparable to Venice Ada Jardine. She's not replaceable. There isn't not a soul like her. If I lose her, I will lose something I can never get back. Even though that time of separation would be miserable, at least I'd still have her friendship.
I asked her what she would do if she lost her feelings for me. She said she'd pray about it a lot - but I already knew that about her. And she'd have to decide that she really had lost that, and that it wasn't just a fleeting thing. She'd think it over for a while and if that's what she decided, she'd tell me the next time we spoke about it.
It's been hard ever since. I can honestly say that the majority of my worries in this life have been about her. I have realized since that of my former worries have subsided. In fact, right now I'm not sure I worry any more than I did before, because I've stopped worrying about so many of the little unimportant things an menial selfish desires that used to occupy my mind much of the time. Perhaps my worries have just shifted. And in all honesty, I think they've shifted to something more important. I guess that's just how these things go -- yet, with all the sorrow of times like these, she keeps making me happy -- at the same time, I think at least half of the smiles in my life are on her account, and I've only known her for 9 months. She's never-endingly delightful! Even as we speak she's making me smile - even if it's just with well-timed text messages. I'm really glad she's doing that while I'm writing, because it's hard for me to write about things like this alone. (I've never liked being alone.)
Here I am, a week after I wrote most of this post, and I feel WAY better. It just gets better, I'm telling you. I am a happy kid.
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