Beggin' (whoof) (May 2012)

I haven't told very many stories in my life.  Overstatement.  This is, perhaps, the only story I have ever told.  It might be because it is the only story about this guy behind the computer that he ever thought was worth telling.

I was a college student once, but we're going to go back way before that.  DAYS before that.  I was at New Student Orientation with my mother.  We arrived late.  I met my Y-Group, those kids that enrolled in my section of Writing 150/H, on Helaman Fields and the heat was deadly.  I was fascinated, because it seemed that everyone that I met I liked.  Not to say that I've ever even met anyone I haven't liked, but these kids I really wanted to be friends with.  Good friends.  (I had no idea.)  I can hardly think of a better situation to distract me from the fact that my skin seemed to be boiling.

Being who I am (who's that, anyway?) I mostly associated with the women-folk from the start.  I guess they're just easier to talk to.  There were three in particular I remember.  As I remember meeting them: Alexa, Venice, and Brynne.  There was a boy named Matt, too.  Sure, we talked, but I remember really wanting to be friends with those three girls.

Answers. So naturally, questions (May 2012)

Last night I had the most glorious conversation with Venice Ada Jardine.  It carried on very late and when it was over (I had to let her go to bed - it was 3:00am in Cedar City) I couldn't stop thinking about it for at least another hour before I fell asleep.  I could have talked with her forever.

I didn't write in my journal last night, but I've been dying to put this down ever since, and I hope I can do it justice.

This was one of two conversations we had yesterday.  The first was when I got off of work.  I was happy to have missed a call from her (while I was working) so I called her back as soon as I got off.  As we drove home we got to talking about her family and how they really aren't getting along these days.  She told me that she really can't fix it and doesn't know what to do and for some reason asked my advice on what she could do.

I remembered a conversation I had with my Mom about a week or two ago about helping and hurting people.  She told me that too much help can hurt a person.  She told me that as we help people we have to make sure that we aren't teaching them to be dependent on our help.  Sometimes we have to just let them alone and see how they do.  Sometimes they fall down flat at first and it's hard to let that happen but that's how they learn to do things for themselves.

I suggested she do this with her family when they're being difficult.  Every once in a while when Isabel thinks Venice hates her she could just boldly state that she loves her and leave it at that.  Then Isabel would have to decide for herself whether Venice hates her or not and not be dependent on Venice to convince her of that.  In time, she would come to know that Venice does love her and she would no longer depend on Venice to patiently convince her of that time and time again.  With time and effort, they could form an even healthier and more trusting relationship as sisters.  By the way, I learned all of this from my mother.  This is how I was raised.

To my surprise Venice seemed eager to try it.  She was willing to give it a go, knowing that members of her family might feel that she was being insensitive for a while.  She showed great spirit and optimism.  I only hope that my advice was the advice she needed to hear.  I am frequently, even continually praying for her to have courage and confidence in what she knows and in who she is, and in light of that, how to let her family know those things and help them the best that she can.  I am very happy that Venice has such righteous desires and I rejoice in her every step toward accomplishing them.

The second conversation (from late last night) is the one I loved most of all.  I called her up to figure out how and when she'd like me to come to Cedar City so I can visit before school starts in the fall.  We talked about all our options and ended up wondering what my travel plans might be over Christmas break and especially at the end of the school year before I go on my mission.  It would be hard to not spend more time with her before summer and my mission, yet it might make it more painful for us to part if we do that.  It'll be 3 1/2 years before we see each other again on that day.  That seems like forever.  Especially with her.  It's a good thing we'll be on our missions, so at least we know it'll be a good few years because it will be spent in the service of the Lord.  I really can't wait until Venice is a sister missionary.  I love sister missionaries and I like to think of her as one.

Venice told me that she was really afraid that I would meet someone I deserved more than her when I got back and she was still out on her mission and then she'd come home to me introducing my fiancee to her.  I was afraid of the same thing, but in the opposite order.  I'm afraid that I'll go on my mission and she'll stay in Provo and go to some BYU singles ward where everyone's hitting it off and she'll meet a boy that she likes pretty well and then as they become each other's family and do fun things on warm summer nights together and then grow closer and closer over the next nine months (before she would go on her mission), he'll be yearning to marry her and she'll decide that she wants to be with him forever and then one day I'll write her a letter and ask her how many points she has and she'll write back saying that she doesn't know because she's been too twitterpated getting engaged to worry about our friendship and that we can't be close anymore because she has to get married now and so she's going to begin her life without me and I'll be left alone and have nothing but longing and a broken heart to look forward to when I get back from my mission.  Whew.

She then told me that she knows that I could find someone wonderful without her and I told her that I know she can too.  She might not believe me, though.  I'm afraid that she doesn't believe any wonderful man will find her and love her because it didn't happen when she was in high school.  And in college, no man had a chance because I was always around.  It's just so obvious to me because I already HAVE fallen in love with her and I KNOW how easy it is.  And I know how rewarding it is.  It's just hard to see, I guess, for her.  That it only takes one.  Most importantly that it's not she that is responsible for finding her one perfect companion so long as she keeps living the way she is and looking to the Lord for direction in her life.  I know why.  It's hard for me to see that about my own life.
She told me there's been this silhouette in her life and in her mind of the man that she's going to marry, nameless and undefined.  But now she feels like that personage has taken on my form and my traits and that if she loses me it'll just be stuck that way and no one else will ever fit.  That makes me both happy and sad.  I hope her image of the man she is going to marry never lessens from where it is.  I hope it always is me, but I want her to know she can change it if that's what the Lord needs.

This might not sound like a happy conversation.  It wasn't, at least not exactly.  But there was a peace about this conversation that we had.  I could feel that we have grown a lot together as friends and that our worries were not overwhelming.  I was so happy that we are both a comfort to one another and that we can talk about these things and know that the other understands and desires to help us.  I know that is true of her and I think she knows it of me too.

Then comes my favorite part.  The part I've been marveling over for the last night and day.  The part that makes my soul stir with anticipation and excitement, with hope.  The part that stops my heart and fills me with determination and makes me wish with all my strength that my will can be the Lord's will and that it can work for his ends to grant me this one wish.

I told Venice - and I can't think why I haven't told her before - about my second greatest desire in this life.
My first and greatest desire is to... and I quote, "fulfill my full fore-ordained mission" while here on this Earth.  I know that the Lord will guide me in this and I KNOW that he can help me obtain it every step of the way.  Secondly, I want to be with Venice Ada Jardine for all eternity.  My second desire is more personal and a substantially more selfish, but I would do absolutely anything to gain it except where it conflicts with my first desire.  This is where things are entirely in the Lord's hands.  If there is any way that Venice and I can be EXACTLY the people that we both are supposed to marry than pray that that is exactly the way things will be.

I'm going to follow the Lord as diligently as I can leading into my mission and for the foreseeable future (that's my first desire, silly!).  When it comes time for me to "seek the guidance of the Lord and choose my eternal companion" I can only hope for the Lord to place me with Venice Ada Jardine if she keeps bringing me right back to Him!   If she magnifies my capabilities and teaches me abundantly to be like Him and is such a person that by being with her I can be exactly who the Lord wants me to be.  Over this I have no control.  You know what's amazing?  When I told Venice about my second desire she actually asked me what she could do to make that happen.  She is so humble.  The only thing I could think of was that she would immerse herself in the Gospel and stay constantly under its influence.  But she has already won me.  It is the Lord that we must both prove ourselves to for the time being. I hope more than anything that Venice will have faith beyond belief (no pun intended) and lead the people she knows by her righteous example and be confident because the Savior is her friend and  KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that that is all she needs.  Of course, I want to be like this too!  I guess what I'm asking for from the Lord goes something like this:  If Venice and I are willing to give our lives for your sake, if we're willing to become the best eternal companions we can possibly be - will you let us be each other's eternal companions?  Maybe it doesn't work that way - I don't know.  But if I'm going to be working my hardest to be who the Lord needs me to be anyway then I feel I can at least ask (especially if I am humble enough to take 'no' for an answer).  That's why I was so happy when Venice wanted so hard to help her family, even if they would make it hard for her.  That's why I was so happy when she said reading some of my journal gave her a renewed zeal.  That's why I am overjoyed that she just texted me tonight, "No sentence is more true than this: it's the thought of you that keeps me going."  It means she's going!  As long as she's going and as long as the Lord hasn't said 'no' I can still ask; I can still hope.  She told me today that she had immersed herself in the Gospel and she was having a wonderful today.  She told me today that her Dad called and said terrible things but she was alright because she wasn't going to let it make her vulnerable to Satan's attacks - that she was better than him and she was beating him. She told me last night that that's exactly what she's doing SO she can be with me, and in that way she answered my prayers - prayers that I have been praying since the very beginning.

"The Phone Call" (6 June 2012)

1,1,3                              7 hours

13,43,14,9,45,2,5          11minutes

3,2                                 5 seconds

Yesterday I had the house all to myself and Venice was traveling from Salt Lake City back to Cedar.  We were going to have a Skype play-date, but instead we ended up talking on the phone for about 7 hours, 11 minutes, and 5 seconds.  It felt like a moment.  It was, of course, the new, most-fun-thing that I've done this summer.  We're really just better friends all the time and we enjoy each other's company more and more.

For a while, on her way to Cedar City, she stopped in Provo and went around to a number of places of significance for the two of us.  In each place she'd tell me what she saw as she drove by, or stop and we'd joke and get a little bit nostalgic.  It was a very meaningful experience.  After she got back home and our conversation was coming to an end, she said she needed to ask me a question.
That particular phone call lasted 3 hours and 45 minutes.
She asked me what it was going to be like when we got back to school.  We talked it over and decided on a few things.  We couldn't have a physical relationship, not even a little bit, because then it would just get harder.  And we'd have to lay off each other time-wise, too.  Because if we were always doing things together other guys won't ask her on dates because they'll think we're together.  That's what happened last year.  She's really sad about it.  So naturally, I am too.  It's really hard to force myself not to spend time her, and it'll be especially tough to do it just so she can spend time with other guys.  She told me that it'll be hard not to see me every day - and that made me feel a little better, as bad as that sounds.  It really helps me to know that she values our time together that much.  We both make each other feel more comfortable than anything else in the world.  Like home.
That's not even mentioning how hard it's going to be not to show any affection for her and to see her trying to keep her affection from me.  In fact, she can be really good at hiding it - and when she does that I usually feel pretty bad.  She get's so excited about everything in her life - that when she's pointedly unexcited about me it cuts pretty deep.  She's going to try not to do that though, and I really appreciate that.
We both acknowledged that it is communication that has kept our relationship so wonderful from the very beginning.  We've never been afraid to tell the other anything and when the other brings up a concern, we're not offended.  We just want to get better as soon as we can for the other person.   It's nice for both of us to know that the other person isn't harboring any hurt-feelings or negative judgements.  Also, we're one another's best friend, and it's hard to keep from telling the things that mean the very most to you to your best friend, even if it has to do with them.
We both figured that sooner or later we'll need to address the situation.  See how each other are doing.  If the time is right, find out where we're at or even how each other feels.  And sooner or later one of us may go to the other for comfort.  We know that it's ok if that happens, but we aren't going to plan on it.  We'll just let things run their course.  Especially before my mission, we'll be apart for 3 1/2 years and we'll need to know from the other how they feel so we not what to expect, what to wait for or not to wait for.
In the mean time, we'll just have to let each other know how hard things are in passing.  Little comments here and there, but never dwell on it if we can help it.  That way we we know each other care, but it doesn't mess with our ability to exercise self-control.  I think that'll be very nice.  In fact, now that it's a few weeks later (I didn't write this all at once), we're already getting pretty good at it - and it sure makes life wonderful.  (You'll see it in our text messages.)  I feel both reassured and independent.  We are great friends.  I will never be able to explain that enough.  Writing about this has made me smile.
We both feel like we've done a good job this summer of keeping things how they're supposed to be.  Often it is really hard and many times we have been down and fearful and sad and lonely.  Yet though we have not seen each other at all, we become better friends each day.  To what extent we can, we are still able to comfort, entertain, and care for each other.  We are very close and very dear friends, leading separate lives, but still growing closer as friends.  And we're able to be there for each other.  It's perfect - except that she's WAY too far away!  Our goal is to maintain our beautiful friendship and our independence while we are going to school together this next year.  It'll be like summer - but WAY better, because we will get to do things with each other.  67 days!
We kept reminding each other that we'd be very special friends.  I told her that I wanted to be like that guy in a romantic comedy - the best-friend, that loves the the main character more than anybody else and just makes sure she gets what she deserves when she gets involved with other guys.  The one she can always come back to and count on to be there no matter what happens.  I think that when we're very special friends it's ok if other people can see that.  In fact if they can't, that'd be really sad.  If they can't either we're lying to ourselves because we actually aren't truly special to each other, or we're lying to each other because we actually are.  I want to be that friend that cares about her so much that I'm over taking care of her when she's sick and I'm there holding her when she cries and playing with her hair, and when she gets back from a good date she can call and tell me all about how much she loved it and why.  And when it comes time to let her know that she's really dear to me, I could give her a kiss on the forehead and we'll both understand.  But that'll be all for the time being, because after all we're going to be friends for right now.  That's the new way.  If we were both like that to each other, I'm confident I'd be a very happy kid for the next year at school.  Given that I'll be doing the right thing, but still have the world's most precious best friend, perhaps more content than ever before.
Then it got hard again.  She asked me what I was going to do if I found out if I didn't feel that way about her anymore.  (I think she believes that's a possibility, and she's mature enough to address it.  She has guts, that one.  She's does what she needs to do, no matter the consequences.  It's one of Venice's very greatest traits.  I really esteem her for that.  It's something that I haven't yet proven that I'm able to do, and it's something that I admire immensely.)  I told her I'd let her know.  But I'm going to be really careful about making any big decisions about those things in the next year before my mission.  I realize that it's not my feelings now that matter.  What matters is after my mission who we both are and how we both feel about each other - and after hers, if her current plans are met.  She told me that if my feelings for her were gone she'd have to stay away from me for a while so she could heal.  Then we could be friends again.  I sure hope so, because there isn't anyone else comparable to Venice Ada Jardine.  She's not replaceable.  There isn't not a soul like her.  If I lose her, I will lose something I can never get back.  Even though that time of separation would be miserable, at least I'd still have her friendship.
I asked her what she would do if she lost her feelings for me.  She said she'd pray about it a lot - but I already knew that about her.  And she'd have to decide that she really had lost that, and that it wasn't just a fleeting thing.  She'd think it over for a while and if that's what she decided, she'd tell me the next time we spoke about it.

It's been hard ever since. I can honestly say that the majority of my worries in this life have been about her.  I have realized since that of my former worries have subsided.  In fact, right now I'm not sure I worry any more than I did before, because I've stopped worrying about so many of the little unimportant things an menial selfish desires that used to occupy my mind much of the time.  Perhaps my worries have just shifted.  And in all honesty, I think they've shifted to something more important.  I guess that's just how these things go -- yet, with all the sorrow of times like these, she keeps making me happy -- at the same time, I think at least half of the smiles in my life are on her account, and I've only known her for 9 months.  She's never-endingly delightful!  Even as we speak she's making me smile - even if it's just with well-timed text messages.  I'm really glad she's doing that while I'm writing, because it's hard for me to write about things like this alone.  (I've never liked being alone.)

Here I am, a week after I wrote most of this post, and I feel WAY better.  It just gets better, I'm telling you.  I am a happy kid.